The Redneck Christmas
Twas the night after Christmas,
And all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat,
And the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty,
No candies or toys,
And I was camped out,
On my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talkin',
To me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said,
They had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue,
And neither could I,
So I just watched TV,
And my wife she just cried.
When out in the yard,
The dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked,
And I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn,
To uphold the laws,
And I got a complaint here,
From a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus,
I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in,
Without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said,
"The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That mighta been me,
Just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller,
With a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs,
Like a bowlful of jelly.
He sports a long beard,
And a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like,
My wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy",
The Sheriff he said,
"The man I'm describing,
Is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now,
It's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done,
Tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie,
Then I thought what the heck,
It wouldn't be the first time,
In jail New Years I'd spent.
I said, "Sheriff, it happened
Last night 'bout ten,
And I thought that my wife,
Had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work,
She was as white as a ghost,
I thought maybe she had seen,
One of them there UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer,
Had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof,
Of our good neighbor Red.
Well I ran outside to look,
And the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing,
Right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin',
As I grabbed my gun,
When outta Red's chimney,
This feller did run.
And slung on his back,
Was this bag over flowin',
I thought he'd stoled Red's stuff,
While old Red was out bowlin'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy,
Hands in the air!"
But he went 'bout his business,
Like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot,
Up over his head,
Well he dropped the bag,
And he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off,
I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy,
I'll see ya in court."
