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NORTH POLE -- In a press release this morning Santa Claus announced that, due to excessive government regulation, his annual December 24th voyages would be canceled until further notice.
Mr. Claus's legal difficulties began on Christmas Eve of last year, when Santa's sleigh was forced down by Air National Guard fighter jets after violating military airspace. A subsequent Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) investigation resulted in Claus's being forbidden from operating any air transport within the United States of America. FAA documents show that infractions allegedly committed by Claus include repeated and flagrant violation of airspeed, altitude, and routing rules, failure to file flight plans, habitual overloading of his sleigh, and delivering air cargo without a commercial pilot's license
Claus's excuse that these violations were necessary measures to enable him to deliver toys to all the world's good children in one night was not considered to be a mitigating factor. A further result of the investigation was the impounding of Santa's sleigh by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) as unsafe; an NTSB spokesman summarized the agency's case in the statement that "the glowing nose of a hoofed mammal is not an acceptable running light."
The information revealed in the FAA inquest prompted several other federal agencies to begin their own inquiries into Claus's activities. The result of these investigations was multiple indictments against Claus. The United States Customs Service, noting that Mr. Claus had not paid duties on the toys he imported, requested that Claus be assessed millions of dollars in tariffs and fines. The Immigration and Naturalization Service, after being informed that Claus had entered the United States and was working without a visa and Green Card, has begun deportation proceedings. Claus also faces fines and possible criminal charges in connection with a Department of Agriculture report accusing him of bringing nine reindeer into the United States without appropriate vaccinations and quarantine procedures.
Additionally, Whitewater special prosecutor Kenneth Starr is reported to be requesting his authority be extended to include investigating Claus, noting that Santa has made yearly trips to Indonesia, Taiwan, and Little Rock.
The investigations into Claus's activities have also resulted in legal action being brought against Santa's Workshop, a non-profit organization for which Claus is chief executive officer. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has filed a class-action suit against Santa's Workshop alleging that that organization engages in discriminatory hiring practices by employing only elves; Santa's Workshop has reportedly rejected a settlement proposal of approximately $10 million in back pay, penalties, and diversity training for Santa and Mrs. Claus.
The Environmental Protection Agency has declared that Santa's Workshop's North Pole manufacturing facility is "severely contaminated" and filed suit for cleanup expenses under the Superfund act; evidence cited includes reports of pointed ears and diminished stature among Santa's Workshop employees, and mutations such as flying and power of speech among the local reindeer population.
Furthermore, the Workshop's financial records are being audited by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) in an effort to determine how, in the words of an IRS spokesman, "a supposedly charitable organization can give gifts to millions of children annually while receiving no apparent income."
In a related story the so-called Santagate hearings continued today in Congress. The House Committee on Un-Christmaslike Affairs heard testimony from the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) stating that Santa's distribution of presents is unconstitutional. "By discriminating between naughty and nice children Santa Claus denies them equal protection under the law," an ACLU attorney stated. "By not informing children of their naughty or nice status and providing a means of appeal children are denied their right to due process. These actions are clearly in violation of the Fourteenth Amendment."
In light of these hearings many of Claus's former political allies have been quietly withdrawing their support of the beleaguered saint; former Massachusetts senator Paul Tsongas declared as early as 1991 that "I am not Santa Claus."
There are some reports that Santa Claus will not discontinue his benevolent activities entirely. A reliable source in Santa's Workshop has stated that, in the spirit of Christmas, Santa will be paying an unofficial trip to Washington, DC, this Christmas Eve. The same source speculated that this trip may pertain to the distribution of a shipment of coal that Claus recently received.
| Page 1 | North Pole Times | November 1 2004 |