I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern portion of North America on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the
North America Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Washington, Montana and Maine.
As part of the new labor contract I also get longer breaks for Cookies & Milk so keep that in mind!
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my 3rd cousin, "Bubba Claus". His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys & girls; however there are a few differences between us.

SUCH AS;
1) There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents From "Bubba Claus". He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, Insured By Smith & Wesson.

2) Instead of Milk & Cookies, "Bubba Claus" prefers the children leave him an RC Cola and a Moon Pie (or Pork Rinds) on the fireplace. And "Bubba" doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little Skoal, so please have an empty spit can ready.

3) "Bubba Claus's" sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared Flyn' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made a mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and now they are hanging over "Bubba's" fireplace.

4) You won't hear "on Comet on Cupid on Donder And Blitzen.." When "Bubba Claus" arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt on Wallace on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd On Elliot On Petty and Johnson."

5) "HO HO HO!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely to hear "Bubba"s" elves respond to "I her"d Dat!" or "Aww shoot".

6) As required by Southern Highway Laws. "Bubba Claus's" sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "BACK OFF". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7) The usual Christmas movies classics such as "Miracle On 34th Street" and "It's A Wonderful Life" will not be shown in negotiated viewing area. Instead you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smoky And The Bandit 4" Featuring Burt Reynolds as "Bubba Claus" and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8) "Bubba Claus" doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I would make sure, the wife & kids turn the other way when he bends down to put presents under the tree.

9) The lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is coming to town" This years songs about "Bubba Claus" will be played on all the AM stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chestnutt's
"Bubba Claus shot the Jukebox"
"Bubba eats His Moon Pies"

and his Christmas Stories

"Bubba builds a new Christmas Still"
"We's having Possum for Christmas"
"D J the red eyed coon dog" (after a day at the still)

10) And finally "Bubba" don't wear a red cap with a white tassel. He wears a Baseball cap backwards with Jeff Gordon on it. The truth is he is getting bald (HO HOH HO!) also short and fat. Here's a picture he sent me last year trying to upset me with his new "Flashing Sign"

With A Sad Heart I Will End This Letter Saying
MERRY CHRISTMAS

Love To All